Every day, Just write.

This is the first of what I hope to be a daily offering to my Spiritual Master, His Holiness Radhanath Swami.

Bhakti Tirtha Swami would write without fail a daily letter to Srila Prabhupada, as an account of his life's activities, his struggles and his triumphs.

I want to go deeper into my relationship with my Gurudeva, and also with Krsna, and everyone else, by being more accountable, and more in awareness of my dependance on Their mercy.



Dearest Gurudeva,

So often I think that my default mode of consiousness under the muddy cloud of the three modes of material nature, goodness (rarely), passion (mostly) and ignorance (more frequent than either) is "just fine".

I forget how far astray I can drift if I'm not battling the current of time which is sweeping my life away at every moment, towards the waterfall of death, where the weight of my heart with either pull me under for another go, or lift me out of the need for another boat, like this human body. Please instill within me the great hope you carry as a fully surrendered servant of the Lord, detached from all worldly desires for profit, adoration or distinction.

I pray to be as humble as a blade of grass, due to feeling the greatness of the gift of devotional service, eager to give that gift to everyone, and to avoid their resistance - to serve them with all graciousness and care - on a real, soul-level of respect and love. Like you efortlessly do.

I aspire to be more tolerant than a tree, to be so filled with Krsna Consciousness, that no matter what sort of difficulties threaten to tear down my life or all the things I could hope to achieve, I will be happy to accept them as a miniscule token of my own past misdeeds, all the while happily singing the glories of the Lord and His devotees. Thank you Gurudeva for opening the way to the Spiritual Realm wherein all anxiety is left far far away, in this insignificant little puff of the material creation.

Yesterday was hard, but by your grace I pulled through.

I woke up at 6:00 and went to Greeting of the Deities, and Guru Puja. I was asked to read Caitanya Caritamrita, after singing the Sad-Goswami Astaka.

I was grateful for the opportunity to relish the pastimes of Lord Caitanya, delivering Prakasananda Saraswati and the Mayavadi Sanyassi's. The Lord is so kind to even the most fallen offenders. I pray that He also is kind to me, who is more fallen than anyone due to neglect of the greatest of all gifts I've been repeatedly given.

I hope and pray to somehow become grateful.

I spent the rest of the day with Jvala and Mahakirti and family. My Mata just arrived in DC from her travels to Detroit and points East.

It's nice to have family around. Sometimes I forget, and become overwhelmed with having to "perform, produce, procure", so when I'm with them I can relax a little, and not have to translate myself to anyone, I just can be "me" with nothing to prove or gain.

We went to a nice Yogini Healer, Marian, who sold me some Chlorella, to help me detox my sick body. I was praying for some help, and Krsna kindly delivered. I have now to practice it, take it seriously, follow through...

Next we went to Gauravani's and hung out with Vrinda and the girls.

I acted upon past wisdom and hid in the back yard and nicely chanted my japa. I was glad for the chance to have a peaceful quiet setting where I could try to go deeper in my relationship with Krsna.

I had a nice visualization of Krsna and Balarama sitting taking lunch with Their cowherd boy friends, surrounded by all the previous Acarya's, Like Narrotama Dasa Thakura, Srinivasa Acarya, Syamananda Goswami, Rupa and Sanatan, Gopal Bhatta Goswami, Jiva Goswami, Raghunatha Dasa Goswami, Jagannatha Dasa Goswami, Bhaktivinode Thakura, Gaura Kishore Das Babaji, Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakura, Srila Prabhupada, Bhakti Tirtha Swami, Tamal Krishna Goswami, Suhotra Swami, and You, and all my devotee friends and family.

I felt so protected, so ensured, that I could make it, that I belonged, that I had a home, and that I was loved. I very much needed that. I don't know if I felt fully that way until just now, but I'm grateful for the causeless mercy which has descended into my life by the blessings and mercy of all these great souls.

I hope and pray to be of some service to them, and make them proud of me, if I can give all respect, love, honor, and service to everyone, not expecting anything in return.

I feel that Krsna won't allow me to get by with anything less. I've prayed for pure unalloyed, unmotivated, uninterrupted devotional service, and for Him to not allow me to get away with anything less, and so He's very kindly but firmly delivering what I had prayed for so ardently.

I hope to be free from the clouds which block my vision of the splendor of the path I've been given.

Right now I tend to be preoccupied with the stones, thorns, bugs, cold, and lonliness I feel walking down this road... but like Parikrama in the mornings in Vrindavana, if I'm full of wonder at my great fortune to be in the Holy Dhama, and am aware of the great love resident in every particle of dust there, remebering the pastimes of the Lord, then all these seeming disturbances will be augments to my journey, increasing my rememberance, and dependance on the sweetness of the Lord's interactions with my every thought word and deed.

I have so much to do, and so little time.

I've taken on so many responsibilities, I don't know how I'll be able to fulfill them all, but I'm trying, and hoping and praying for some solution to help me be able to execute all the wonderful service opportunities that have come my way.

Too much of a good thing, is a burden of greatness.

I'll try to work on interview questions for your father, and get your website strategy underway.

I should go now for morning program, and spend nice time to chant attentively, like I promised you I would, every day, attentively chant at least 16 rounds of the Maha Mantra, and follow the four regulative principles, like you believed I would.

Now I have to believe I can, and with full faith in your mercy, stive forward, for today is a new chance to connect deeper with you, so that I'll never have to say Goodbye.

I love you Gurudeva. Thank you for your infinite kindness upon me. Please always keep me in your warm loving embrace, and take me with you wherever you go, like you said you wanted to.

I'm your loyal dog, even if I'm disobedient and a weakling so often. I'm trying to learn new tricks before I'm too old to know how.

sincerely,
your eternal servant,
Rasikananda dasa