3rd Days the Charm

So I missed a few days, been uber busy.

I scheduled an interview with Radhanath Swami for his website, to post short answer clips to important questions people ask.

He's coming to DC for Kumari Priya's wedding. That should be very nice.

I'm trying to schedule my days, and stick to it, so hopefully by Krsna and Guru's mercy I can make some measured progress.

Dear Gurudeva,

I'm simply grateful for all the opportunities you give me to serve. I hope to make you happy, and to become strong, to support and serve so many devotees.

I'm finding I have much further to go in my love for Krsna, that I'm accustomed to speak my own purports, and do what I think is best, without first becoming strongly aligned to your teachings.

Bhakti Tirtha Swami said a leader first should be, before saying anything.

I'm praying to be your humble obedient, regulated, sincere, pure, and happily balanced servant.

Thank you for today, and tomorrow, and forever more.

your servant,
Rasikananda dasa

Every day, Just write.

This is the first of what I hope to be a daily offering to my Spiritual Master, His Holiness Radhanath Swami.

Bhakti Tirtha Swami would write without fail a daily letter to Srila Prabhupada, as an account of his life's activities, his struggles and his triumphs.

I want to go deeper into my relationship with my Gurudeva, and also with Krsna, and everyone else, by being more accountable, and more in awareness of my dependance on Their mercy.



Dearest Gurudeva,

So often I think that my default mode of consiousness under the muddy cloud of the three modes of material nature, goodness (rarely), passion (mostly) and ignorance (more frequent than either) is "just fine".

I forget how far astray I can drift if I'm not battling the current of time which is sweeping my life away at every moment, towards the waterfall of death, where the weight of my heart with either pull me under for another go, or lift me out of the need for another boat, like this human body. Please instill within me the great hope you carry as a fully surrendered servant of the Lord, detached from all worldly desires for profit, adoration or distinction.

I pray to be as humble as a blade of grass, due to feeling the greatness of the gift of devotional service, eager to give that gift to everyone, and to avoid their resistance - to serve them with all graciousness and care - on a real, soul-level of respect and love. Like you efortlessly do.

I aspire to be more tolerant than a tree, to be so filled with Krsna Consciousness, that no matter what sort of difficulties threaten to tear down my life or all the things I could hope to achieve, I will be happy to accept them as a miniscule token of my own past misdeeds, all the while happily singing the glories of the Lord and His devotees. Thank you Gurudeva for opening the way to the Spiritual Realm wherein all anxiety is left far far away, in this insignificant little puff of the material creation.

Yesterday was hard, but by your grace I pulled through.

I woke up at 6:00 and went to Greeting of the Deities, and Guru Puja. I was asked to read Caitanya Caritamrita, after singing the Sad-Goswami Astaka.

I was grateful for the opportunity to relish the pastimes of Lord Caitanya, delivering Prakasananda Saraswati and the Mayavadi Sanyassi's. The Lord is so kind to even the most fallen offenders. I pray that He also is kind to me, who is more fallen than anyone due to neglect of the greatest of all gifts I've been repeatedly given.

I hope and pray to somehow become grateful.

I spent the rest of the day with Jvala and Mahakirti and family. My Mata just arrived in DC from her travels to Detroit and points East.

It's nice to have family around. Sometimes I forget, and become overwhelmed with having to "perform, produce, procure", so when I'm with them I can relax a little, and not have to translate myself to anyone, I just can be "me" with nothing to prove or gain.

We went to a nice Yogini Healer, Marian, who sold me some Chlorella, to help me detox my sick body. I was praying for some help, and Krsna kindly delivered. I have now to practice it, take it seriously, follow through...

Next we went to Gauravani's and hung out with Vrinda and the girls.

I acted upon past wisdom and hid in the back yard and nicely chanted my japa. I was glad for the chance to have a peaceful quiet setting where I could try to go deeper in my relationship with Krsna.

I had a nice visualization of Krsna and Balarama sitting taking lunch with Their cowherd boy friends, surrounded by all the previous Acarya's, Like Narrotama Dasa Thakura, Srinivasa Acarya, Syamananda Goswami, Rupa and Sanatan, Gopal Bhatta Goswami, Jiva Goswami, Raghunatha Dasa Goswami, Jagannatha Dasa Goswami, Bhaktivinode Thakura, Gaura Kishore Das Babaji, Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakura, Srila Prabhupada, Bhakti Tirtha Swami, Tamal Krishna Goswami, Suhotra Swami, and You, and all my devotee friends and family.

I felt so protected, so ensured, that I could make it, that I belonged, that I had a home, and that I was loved. I very much needed that. I don't know if I felt fully that way until just now, but I'm grateful for the causeless mercy which has descended into my life by the blessings and mercy of all these great souls.

I hope and pray to be of some service to them, and make them proud of me, if I can give all respect, love, honor, and service to everyone, not expecting anything in return.

I feel that Krsna won't allow me to get by with anything less. I've prayed for pure unalloyed, unmotivated, uninterrupted devotional service, and for Him to not allow me to get away with anything less, and so He's very kindly but firmly delivering what I had prayed for so ardently.

I hope to be free from the clouds which block my vision of the splendor of the path I've been given.

Right now I tend to be preoccupied with the stones, thorns, bugs, cold, and lonliness I feel walking down this road... but like Parikrama in the mornings in Vrindavana, if I'm full of wonder at my great fortune to be in the Holy Dhama, and am aware of the great love resident in every particle of dust there, remebering the pastimes of the Lord, then all these seeming disturbances will be augments to my journey, increasing my rememberance, and dependance on the sweetness of the Lord's interactions with my every thought word and deed.

I have so much to do, and so little time.

I've taken on so many responsibilities, I don't know how I'll be able to fulfill them all, but I'm trying, and hoping and praying for some solution to help me be able to execute all the wonderful service opportunities that have come my way.

Too much of a good thing, is a burden of greatness.

I'll try to work on interview questions for your father, and get your website strategy underway.

I should go now for morning program, and spend nice time to chant attentively, like I promised you I would, every day, attentively chant at least 16 rounds of the Maha Mantra, and follow the four regulative principles, like you believed I would.

Now I have to believe I can, and with full faith in your mercy, stive forward, for today is a new chance to connect deeper with you, so that I'll never have to say Goodbye.

I love you Gurudeva. Thank you for your infinite kindness upon me. Please always keep me in your warm loving embrace, and take me with you wherever you go, like you said you wanted to.

I'm your loyal dog, even if I'm disobedient and a weakling so often. I'm trying to learn new tricks before I'm too old to know how.

sincerely,
your eternal servant,
Rasikananda dasa

Building Foundations

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favour in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

- Henry David Thoreau


My life is in my heart

I love to love, and live to give

My way to pray is to give my heart away

Surrender complete, otherwise i'm simply a cheat

there is no end to the kindness of a true friend

i long to be whole, for it's the right of my soul

but something deep down inside is still trying to hide

I don't know what it is, or where it came from

it haunts me and keeps me alone

I try to let go, to cheer up, to move on

I bury it in joy, and festivals, 24hr Kirtan

My heart feels torn in two, and there's nothing I can do

But ache from inside, and try not to cry

I thought that I would be free

If I were just to be "me"

and let the world go by, going deeper inside

maybe i'm facing my roots

the dark strong cords

which have kept me here

in this material world

those feelings of pain

that bring constant rain

on the sunny parade

of every days charade

I don't know who I am

I can't find my soul

I don't have a heart

Something somebody stole

I chose to give it away

Now I have to take it back

but I dont want to have it

I want someone to want take a crack

at opening this shell

which is my little private hell

where no light of love shines

on this little world of mine

I wish Krishna would save me

He said that He would

I don't know what to do

To make Him pleased for good

I try to work very hard

Because He said that's better

but even more than that I should love Him

I need to do more than just write a letter

So I'm trying my best

to get this weight off my chest

I'm facing my demons

and controlling my passions

I'm going early to bed

I'm struggling hard to be early to rise

I'm hoping and praying to at least become wise

I'm chanting my rounds

Trying to be immersed in divine sounds

I'm trying to manage my time

So that I can give more of what's mine

And have a wonderful life

to share with a wonderful wife

but for me that's so hard

because I have nothing but heart

I have hopes and I have prayers

and I have dreams of how to get there

I'm working as fast as I can

to be what they say is a "real man"

I dont know what to be, but anyone other than me

I just put out my heart, and from there make a start

to give every ounce of my care, to bring something to share

and offer it to the Lord, Who is so kind to those

who feel themselves humble and meek, and selfless service only seek

so I feel that this pain, is the price to finally gain

the goal of my heart... a beautiful new start

at the life I've always wished to lead

where every act is a gift of thought, word and deed.

I don't know if I'll get there

but for God's sake, I'll try

I may get there broken

I'll most certainly cry

But by that time comes

I'll have come completely undone

and fall flat in the hands

of the Lord's perfect plans

to bring me back to his land

where we'll be happy again.

Thank you Krishna.

I'm trying to be patient.

I'm in dire need of Your love and mercy.

I don't know how to go on.

I can't stop trying.

But I can't keep going.

Please send some help.

I don't know what else to do.

your loving and trying to be humble servant,
Rasikananda dasa

Getting there

The gap between where I am now and where I know my heart belongs is closing somewhat.

That's really really good, because I really need it.

I don't think anybody reads this blog of mine anymore, but I write for my own edification.

It's 11:11pm (my lucky all-auspicious number) and I should go to bed to carry on my success's, but I just wanted to say that I have hope that this could lead to something.

Something like a life in the mode of Goodness.

Sleep early. Rise Early. Chant nicely. Work nicely. Life becomes sweet.

I regret having had to come through so many impurities to get here, and having subjected so many people to my struggles along the way. To think it's all over is laughable, but I hope to minimize my self-conscious befoolments by being genuinely humble and not just prentending to be (which leads to embarrassing situations, which if I were really humble, wouldn't be embarrassing)....

Anyways, now you know why I don't write so often.

It takes a good darn long time for me to make some tangible progress to write about.

Otherwise it's all lamentable what I've got to say.

I feel like there's so many wonderful things going on, and I'm doing lots of them, and there's worlds on the balance, and we're going to save them, but while doing so, everything seems to rest on my ability to control my senses and mind and focus on hearing and chanting nicely.

Good realization.

Now to realize it.. off to bed!

Jaya Jagannatha