My M.O.

I've stopped living, or at least trying to. There's nothing really to do.

I have my wonderful spiritual master, who is in the prime of his service. I have the great fortune to have the opportunity to serve him, somehow, if I try harder, I could be of better service.

He asked me to settle down, prepare for my future, get educated, marry and don't worry.

I love my family, I love all my friends, I love ISKCON and the devotees who give their lives to serving, and who make my life worth living.

At the same time I see dire futures for the world, violence, poverty, destruction, hellish conditions, war, and great struggles.

I see the mission Srila Prabhuapda has given us to accomplish, to make a boat for souls to cross the ocean of repeated birth and death to reach the oasis of Krishna's lotus feet.

I hope to reach Them someday too.

I can't see how to invest in the workings of the world in which I've grown up. Every path to progress is like trying to get cozy in a room on the titanic, knowing it's on it's way down.

The lifeboats are there, but not enough for everyone, so save who you can. Try to give Krishna to as many people as possible, but some people just won't accept, so give the Holy Names, some prasadam if possible, a smile or a kind word. Blessings are to be given.

I see that I'll do a few more years of service, going here and there all around the world, helping start the changes to help save the world in it's hours of need to come.

Kirtan in great festivals and gatherings, preaching Srimad Bhagavatam, making beautiful temples and helping communities grow. Present in dynamic and wonderful ways the art of Krishna Consciousness, and help establish a society based on devotional service, preserving the essence of Srila Prabhupada's mood and desire.

My role is to be outside the normal workings of things, and to help connect the dots before the lines are drawn. Tracing the lines Krishna shows me through my feelings, trusting my heart, as Radhanath Swami so kindly told me to do so long ago.

We come in this world to serve, and by serving we can learn to love, and in that love, live. Without it, life is a tragedy.

Always give, and don't expect, that's been the biggest lesson so far. I don't know if I look forward to the rest of them, but here I am, existing, so they must be on their way. I just pray that Krishna gives me the fortitude to grow gracefully into the servant and soul He knows me to be.

He's been with me all along, knowing my every thought, word and deed. He hasn't let me down, although I have let Him down countless times.

But I will not stop trying, because I can't, it's my eternal nature.

I just don't know where to go from here.

I am looking out across an ocean, I can go anywhere, but all places are just the same. Nowhere to go, nowhere to stand, nothing left, or to lose.

I could play piano. I could learn guitar. I could sing songs of love both near and far. I could write a movie, make it big and in 3D, I could help establish a new world, which is strong, and spiritually free.

I could do so many things, that would be wonderful to tell, but where I fit in all of them, I don't know so well.

My motivation to move forward has stopped and so have I. I don't mean to be lazy, but I have no will to try.

I'll keep moving onwards, but my heart is missing me. I will need to find him if I'm ever to be free.

I think I saw him running after... her... you know the one... but since then I haven't seen him, I think he's come undone.

So I wait around and wonder, what's to become of me from here. What I thought would end me, has come and past a year.

I'd like to go and find him, so I can live again, give him to my Guru, at least I'll know it then, that my life has been completed, having served till my very last.

I love you all and wish a life that's eminently blessed.

I'll keep on waiting, keep on doing whatever comes my way, only Krishna knows what's coming, so I'll continue to pray:

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare, Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare