Dear Krsna

Oh sweet Krsna

Thank You for being there for me. I feel your sweetness and can taste your Holy Names as I get closer to You on my string of tulasi beads. I notice that "Oh, I'm tasting something sweet, I must be getting closer to the Krsna bead", and sure enough, a few moments later my fingers are tickled by your curling fuzzy tassle hair.

You're so there, directly present in so many ways. Yet I still think you're far away, distant.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong directions.

My heart is breaking, apart at the seams.. holding it together is patience, hard earned but steady now, at least I don't fall apart so quickly these days.

Sweet surrender is seducing my soul, to see You, to love You, to know You, to hold Your lotus feet to my head... I'm simply a fool Krsna.

I've been seeking shelter in this world... projects, places, beautiful people... they all reflect something wonderful, some manifestation of Your glories... but it's all temporary isn't it?

That's why you have denied me shelter in those things, they change, go away, fall apart after a time. Repeatedly You tell me to stop trying to find shelter in this world, it's durasraya "Bad Shelter" and to take shelter in Your pure loving devotional service.

It's so nice actually. You're inviting me to enter into Your most intimate association, "Don't settle for less" You tell me when you steal away my next scheme to stick around in Maya.

Oh and how You're so right, but I'm so scared. I want to turn towards You, to give up this mad chase after illusion after illusion... "but there's just this one more chance..." I keep saying... Yes Krsna I'll surrender, but you know, there's this one other avenue I can pursue that might work so I won't have to surrender all the way, right to You exactly. I can be safe somewhere over here, where i can get what I want, some cozy snugly sappy existence of what? Sense gratification? What good does that do me?

Been there, done that a billion times over. Useless waste of time. But somehow the illusion continues, and the cycle prevails, and on I go.

What makes the difference between those who keep going, and those who stop and surrender?
Do I have to wait for it to come "naturally" like some sort of spiritual maturity point that just reveals itself as it manifests?

I suppose that's it. But how long do I have to wait? And what relationship does it have to what I'm doing now? Is it just linked to my chanting? Is that it? If I chant attentively and with sincere intention, along with performing devotional service selflessly, that should be enough right? Please devotees, help them out, encourage them, but I have to do more.

I have to be exemplary. Stand up against my fallbacks... laziness, fear, lust, pride, illusion.

What does it take to be strong? A strong purpose, to fight for who I know I am, myself... who I forget most of the time...

Who am I? Really? I love me, and I love You, and I love everyone else because they're all special parts of You really, it's all so amazingly beautiful when I even begin to think about it, me being a little part of You. So intimately nice, perfect, complete, totally in love. Can't get much more than that.

I want someone who is like You, who can show me how to love You, who I can love as I should You, selflessly, thoroughly, with all my heart and soul. That's for You only I suppose. Anyone else is only to the degree they are connected with You.

I suppose that's not a problem. My Spiritual Master is just like You. He's fully empowered by You and gives You to me and others as freely as You would do Yourself.

I forget sometimes and take him for granted. I treat him like an ordinary person. I really shouldn't do that, and I wish I knew how to stop. Stop thinking that I know anything. Stop thinking that I'm special. As soon as I think I'm special then I'm the exact opposite, I'm completely insignificant. Which is actually the case.

Especially since I'm not chanting my rounds as attentively and steadily as I should. I'm writing all this instead of chanting, and therefore I'm being an irresponsible disciple, and therefore I'm not having any taste in my chanting due to offenses to my Guru. There's my problem. I'm offending my Spiritual Master, therefore I have no taste for chanting, therefore I'm falling apart in my heart and I just want to break down and sob the rest of my life.

No good that will do. Better to chant. Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, over and over, surrender to Guru's instructions... chant from the heart, be real he said, just be simple, surrender my heart and hear. Krsna will reveal Himself when He is pleased with me. And He won't be pleased if I don't really try, and really give myself, and try to give the best of myself.

I have no courage, I'm so afraid. I'm cowering in pity and guilt and sorrow, for what? For choosing to be away from You Krsna. For shunning Your causeless mercy and coming here to be selfish.

Please help me. Guide me, show me the way, light my path with the light of Your love and allow me to help others find the way back to You.

Thank You for your infinite patience with me.